I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sext me about skeletons
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
