i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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