i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
