I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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