nut hugger
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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