Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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