When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
