it hurts more in the daytime
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she pinky promised me she was 18
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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