I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
