Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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