You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
