I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
