Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
