Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
