Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
