I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
