final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
