Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
