please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
