He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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