I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
