He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
