I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
