You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Be still, my beating vagina.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
