Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
