I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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