70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize