can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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