while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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