How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
