3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
