Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sex in a hospital.. check
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Never underestimate the power of titties
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
