If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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