She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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