who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
