I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
