Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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