you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
