i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
