remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
