I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
