i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
