I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
