I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
