i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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