Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
