Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
