I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
