I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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