We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
