So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
