just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
