Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
