the condom got lost in my hair
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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