If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
