I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
