i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
