Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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